


Perhaps eternal

by melodrame



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Sharing Body Heat, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:28:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24832384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodrame/pseuds/melodrame
Summary: Every time someone breaks Junmyeon’s heart, Sehun is there to collect the pieces so he can love again. But he can’t go on forever. Not when every time he looks at his best friend, he sees why he can’t love him back.
Relationships: Kim Junmyeon | Suho & Oh Sehun, Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Oh Sehun
Comments: 14
Kudos: 69





	Perhaps eternal

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is basically a birthday gift for my friend Ignacia. It's loosely inspired by the song "Through the dark" by One Direction (she still loves them...in 2020 ik!!!) and since Seho is one of her favorite EXO ships, this happened. At first it was going to be very angsty but she likes fluff and stuff so I changed a lot. It's her birthday after all and that's what she deserves for being such an amazing friend. Thanks for reading! Happy birthday Ignacia!

It’s not the first time that something similar has happened and although he would like it to be the last, the odds are not really in his favor. Junmyeon tends to make bad decisions, the worst ones. And it’s not Sehun's obligation to imagine a scenario where his best friend is not involved in situations that can denigrate his being in such a spectacular way, to destroy a heart only to put the broken pieces back together and be thrown to the ground without any mercy. Because it seems that he chooses the most cruel and detestable people, the ones who are not able to look beyond the tip of their nose or put themselves in someone else's shoes. They are people who could not even compare to someone like Junmyeon.

In Sehun's eyes, Junmyeon is everything he would have wished for. And more. It supposes to be a dream that never becomes a reality, a beautiful melody whose notes radiate so brilliantly that they manage to dazzle him. His voice is honey, swearing on his life that he might as well stay there for the rest of it, simply listening to him silently and without interrupting him at any time. And it doesn’t matter much what he talks about, what he shares or the words he decides to use. For Sehun, everything is important. And, sometimes, Junmyeon lets him know that there are things about him that are not worthy of importance, that his heart is fragile enough to be crushed, destroyed, buried by someone who wasn’t just right for him. And although he doesn’t appreciate any of that, Junmyeon is noble enough to understand all those excuses, even if they don't make the slightest bit of sense.

“I should have known.”

Sehun remains silent and simply waits for something else. But no word is expelled from the lips of the male. From that distance, he can simply watch him through the rearview mirror, Junmyeon wanting to stay in the back seat of the vehicle. Because when Sehun gets to pick him up, he listens to the request and simply doesn’t have the heart to say no. And now he watches him with nothing but sadness in his eyes, seeing how the person he loves most in the world remains heartbroken and with his arms hugging his knees.

“I'm going to need you to put your seat belt on, Jun.”

His voice is warm, although it contrasts with the frozen atmosphere that is perceived inside the vehicle. Sehun turns on the heating, not knowing if putting on some music could calm the awkward atmosphere a bit. He declines at the idea after a couple of seconds, knowing that sooner or later he will have to talk about it. Could it be the next morning? Because he knows he won't let Junmyeon to pass the night alone, not again. Not after the last time.

Because Sehun would love to say that this is the first time he's seen his friend like this. That shattered, his eyes overflowing with tears and his cheeks tinted crimson. With dreams snatched away and hope torn apart. With his heart broken as it has been many times before, but reluctant to put it back together, knowing that it’s a matter of time before the result repeats itself. And again. And is that Sehun can only dream of a future where Junmyeon stops making hasty decisions, where his reasoning can overcome his emotions. But at the end of the day this is how they work. Junmyeon is the heart and Sehun is the brain. They have embraced those roles for a very long time and this is how they work best, but the younger of the two is no longer really sure of it. Not after seeing him so broken. Not now, not again, not for life.

“Turn left here.”

Sehun ignores it. He knows where he lives, he doesn't know why he even tells him. But it doesn’t matter since he has decided he’s not going to do that, he’s not going to his place. Because he already has a couple of ideas in mind and abandoning the older one to his fate isn’t one of them. Because he thinks he knows him well enough to guess that a pleasant night is not what awaits him, but quite the opposite. Because he knows and has been able to see with his own eyes the way in which negative thoughts attack his psyche, the way in which guilt takes care of each and every one of his actions, reaching conclusions that could not be further from reality. And if Sehun can do something to prevent it, that is exactly what he is going to do.

And maybe Junmyeon is exhausted enough to say something else, to refuse, to complain. In any other time and situation, he would use the _hyung_ card to assert his rights and demands, but the weight on his shoulders and the pressure on his chest compel him to drop his eyelids and fall on Morpheus' arms for a moment, only for a moment.

He wakes up to clean, familiar sheets, but Sehun is not by his side. He is too confused to sharpen his senses and begin to guess where he is, what he is doing, why he has left him alone in his room. He also doesn't have much time to react or come up with answers, because it takes just a couple of seconds to meet the taller man who stops by the door frame, holding a cup of steaming tea and a couple of pills in his free hand. In silence he watches him approach the bed, leaving everything on the night table and taking a seat on the mattress. By instinctive act, perhaps out of habit, Junmyeon moves a little to the side, giving him a little space.

“I do not want to talk.”

“Okay, let's not talk.”

Sehun has never forced Junmyeon into anything, not even to talk when he knows that it could be important to him, that it could calm his anxiety levels a bit and make his heart to stop suffering. Waiting for his speedy recovery seems like nothing more than a dream to fulfill, but for now, Sehun is reassured at the thought of slowing down the suffering he perceives in every facial feature of Junmyeon. One that squeezes his heart and forces him to press his lips in response as well.

Silence seems to invade the room for a few seconds, his gaze focused on the small figures that the steaming mug creates and that Junmyeon hasn't even tried to look at. From that distance, he can appreciate the discomfort of being there, wondering if any of this is his fault.

“What are you thinking about?” He knows perfectly well that he has said that he doesn’t want to speak, but in his defense, the question is rather ignorant, bordering on a curiosity. After all, Junmyeon is his best friend.

“It’s nothing.”

And it’s not that he’s lying at all. His eyelids look tired, he as a whole looks completely tired like he doesn’t want to keep his eyes open any longer. There are no salty traces on his cheeks anymore, but they still remain red. All of him looks devastated, as if he were dead in life. The only things that move are his hands, his fingers squeezing each other quickly and hard.

“Jun.”

Sehun quickly approaches him, his hands reaching out to separate them, preventing him from hurting himself. He has done this so many times in the past that sometimes he feels he will not be able to do it again. But it only takes one miserable tear shed for his heart to turn inside his rib cage and see himself in the absolute need to do something about it, to offer his help even if the other male doesn’t want it. He simply needs to do something about it.

“You don't have to do that, okay? You will only hurt yourself.” Slowly, the younger one points to small marks that Junmyeon has made with his nails, some that although they may seem harmless to many people, that doesn’t seem to be Sehun’s case. “Look at me, okay?” Placing each hand of Junmyeon on each side of his body, now it’s his own that raise enough to cup his face, keeping his gaze on his own .

And again, they breathe. Both chests inflate and fill with air, which is held there for a couple of seconds before being completely expelled from their bodies. They repeat it a couple of times. Until Junmyeon doesn't feel so upset. Until Sehun finds it necessary.

“Sometimes I think it's me who is to blame for everything that has happened so far.”

Sehun is silent, not knowing what to say to such phraseology. Because if a part of him believes that he doesn’t make exactly the best decisions, he also knows that it’s not his fault, not really. So, at not knowing what to answer, he decides to do nothing. And it seems perfect, because Junmyeon's lips part and he starts to speak once again.

“Maybe I just wasn't enough for him, you know? Maybe I have never been that way.” The tone of his voice is monotonous and he speaks in a low voice, Sehun doing the impossible to understand those words that gently escape his warm lips. “And perhaps I’ll never be —”

“That's where I'm going to stop you.”

But Sehun immediately regrets saying those words. Not because he doesn't believe them, because he has been doing it for a long time. But because by explaining to him why Junmyeon's words don't make any sense to him, he could fully expose himself. It could perfectly force him to cross a limit that still remains very far for him, and that appears so diffuse that even approaching it is a risk that he does not know if he is willing to take. Not when Junmyeon is this vulnerable, not when his words could well be misinterpreted to the point of losing their friendship.

And he may not be doing anything other than just exaggerating, but for Sehun this is even bigger than it. Because it is not only a crush that is willing to sacrifice, but also a whole life at his side. Because he met him when he didn't even finish school yet and didn't know much about life, when he didn't have any kind of experience and it was very common for Junmyeon to find him making mistake after mistake. It seems almost ridiculous how the roles could have been reversed in recent years.

“You tend to say that you are sad or that you lost your way, that the tears are going to stay there forever.” Sehun begins to speak, settling next to him, but leaving his hands that now remain in his lap. He wants to keep some distance, but not because touching him is something he doesn’t want, but because it is actually dangerous. It always has been, anyway. But now that he glimpses a more vulnerable image of him, he doesn't want to confuse his feelings, nor does he want him do that as well. He faithfully believes that if Junmyeon wants to give him a chance, it will be because he wants to and not because he is overwhelmed by the attention Sehun gives him. After all, he has been the first to make sure that friendship and attention does not mean love, not necessarily.

Love is a complex subject, perhaps the most difficult of all. Because it’s very easy to get confused, it’s very easy to cross that imaginary line that separates love from affection. Affection is easy to obtain when it comes to Junmyeon, it’s very simple to be attached to someone like him. Build a bond of trust, feel at home when anyone is by his side or simply want to take care of him. Wanting to be by his side no matter what happens because the other person does you good. Now — being in love is something else, but it can easily be confused with simply giving affection to another person. But Sehun knows for a fact that he has passed the affection phase a long time ago and he may never return to a stage in his life where not loving his best friend is even possible. Because he has given his heart completely, although he cannot assure that by losing his friendship he will win a lover instead. And is that he considers himself a coward, not having enough courage to decide whether to do it or not. Sometimes he imagines a scenario where his feelings are reciprocated by the male, but it is enough to witness situations like these to assume that he could not be more wrong. Because in his opinion, how could Junmyeon want him if he is with other people? Or worse, why does he suffer for someone other than him? He knows that he would never make him suffer but, once again, it is a thought that does not escape his lips, being never verbalized. How could he even do it? It is not the time, nor the place. It may never be.

“It hurts me a little to see you this way, you know?”

And of course, Junmyeon remains silent, but this time he raises his gaze a little which gradually meets Sehun’s, trying to give him a small smile that he does not fully believe. Because even if he tries, it seems that it’s not enough. It never is. And Sehun, releasing a small sigh that exasperated escapes his lips, continues.

“Or how you treat yourself when something like this happens. You say many times that you will not be able to love someone, but I believe that you are capable of doing that and much more.” He pauses briefly, outlining a soft smile on his lips that fades after a couple of seconds. “You have loved several times, you have repeatedly told me about it. And yes, things have happened and they have broken your heart, but you manage to put the pieces together and rebuild it. It may be taking longer than the previous times, but you still do, you know?” Carefully he tries to meet his gaze by tilting his head slightly, frowning as one of his hands reaches up enough to lift the opposite chin and force him to pay attention. Because what he is going to ask in the next few seconds is not easy at all. And while he knows there is a possibility of not receiving an answer from Junmyeon, he is going to do it anyway. “Why do you decide to love someone else? What motivates you? Why are you always looking for a chance to find love?”

Because there is a possibility that this is the reason for everything, or that is how the youngest manages to interpret it. Faced with the latent need to find someone else who makes him happy and makes him feel loved, paradoxically he finds the opposite. And it may be because of being impulsive, living in the clouds, or not being able to devise a plan that benefits him. Because Junmyeon does not study the consequences of his actions, he simply does what seems right to him.

But Junmyeon is unwilling to answer that question, not when Sehun watches him with such intensity. Nor is it as if he wants to get away from his gaze, one mesmerizing enough that it forces him to stay in that place. His lips part as if he's finally going to say something, but his vocal chords don't utter even a word.

It’s not because he doesn’t want to. It’s because he can’t.

Unlike what Sehun may believe, Junmyeon is not someone who wants to take a risk. Not even for his best friend. He wants to believe that a failed love life is less painful than an impending rejection by the person he loves the most in the world. And he may know that he is doing the wrong things, that there is no way anything good is going to happen from this, that he is doomed to live a life where love disappoints him. But the problem is not the other person, nor is it what he does or think about it. The real problem lies in not being able to tell his best friend that he loves him.

And it breaks his heart to have to see him suffer because of him, because he knows that for a friend it’s not easy to see how the other one wears out on false promises and tries to keep up a relationship that he never wanted to have in the first place. But to think another person can make him forget about the previous one has seemed to be his technique for so long that, in all honesty, he doesn't know how to do it in any other way. He does not know what to say, how to do it or what to expect about it. Because he doesn't expect anything from Sehun. For a long he has stopped expecting something from him, not something on a loving matter that can expose him in the most cruel way possible.

Because the worst thing is that Sehun is the perfect person for him. He has known this for a long time, but he may have denied it until then. Because it is the easiest, the safest and it is also what makes the most sense. But also, sometimes, he decides to imagine scenarios where they are together, where he promises to take him to the stars and with it, never break his heart. Isn't that what he does now? Maybe without even noticing it, maybe completely ignoring it. But Sehun is the one who is always there to hug him, to pick up the pieces of his fragmented heart if he wants to cry or break.

Because he knows that he will be with him no matter what happens and that, when night falls, they can both find a way through the darkness.

“Jun?”

The male’s voice forces him to wake up, not realizing that he has been silent for a long time. At what point has Sehun changed his position and is now at his side and not in front of him? Because now he keeps himself on one side of the bed, his head still cocked a little.

“What is it?”

With a small smile, Sehun realizes that he has no reason to continue insisting, simply nodding his head and moving away from him a little, taking one of the pillows as he gestures to get up from the mattress.

“No problem, Jun. It's late, you know? I'll leave you so that —” But before he can finish speaking, Sehun feels some pressure on his arm, noticing a Junmyeon who apparently has no intention of letting him go.

“Sehunnie, please don’t go. I know you always do when I end up here but, don't do it tonight, okay?”

Sehun hesitates for a fraction of a second, frowning at the remote thought. He doesn't remember when was the last time he shared a bed with Junmyeon. Not in the way that he's asking, hinting that it's more of a need than anything else. Because sometimes they have had to sleep in the same room, but there is always a barrier between them, one that Sehun wishes did not exist, but it exists anyway.

“Uh, alright then.” He ends up saying, placing one of his hands on the male who still holds his arm, thus implying that he has no intention of leaving. “Do you need anything else, Jun?”

The older one shakes his head softly, snuggling into the bed as his head falls onto one of the pillows. But his eyelids have not yet fallen and his gaze is focused on the youngest who looks at him somewhat confused.

And Sehun does the same, not knowing at first instance where to go. Finally, he ends up adopting the same position as his best friend, dragging his body over the sheets and dropping his head on the white softness of the pillow. And his gaze is directed to the opposite, remaining silent for a few seconds.

“Can I ask for something strange?” Junmyeon steps in, noticeably lowering the volume of his voice.

“Anything, Jun.”

“Can you hug me for a moment?”

As soon as Sehun hears those words, there’s a chill that begins to run through his body, not knowing how to react or what to do. Because previously he has hugged him and dried his tears. So why does this occasion seem so different from that? Why is his body trembling and so are his lips?

Maybe it's because from that distance, Junmyeon looks more beautiful than ever before. It may be that, once again, he has been completely caught up in his voice and his words, the way he speaks as if it were the most beautiful melody ever composed and how his body heat calls him in a low voice. It calls him to get closer, to be with him, to be together.

And although at first he hesitates, he ends up agreeing with a small nod. Slowly, Sehun gets closer to him and his arms wrap around the opposing figure, feeling Junmyeon's head resting on his chest and his hair tickling his neck. It is a dangerous position, not because he dares to do something, but because his best friend is so close to his chest that Sehun fears he may hear the frantic pounding of his heart above his shirt. Can he guess what is going through his head?

The taller one doesn't notice when Junmyeon falls into his arms, literally speaking. His breathing becomes constant and his heartbeat does too. He hasn’t moved at all, and to Sehun's surprise, he's comfortable there. He is always comfortable with him, but he would have thought that on occasions like these it would be different, but it is not. And a part of him hates himself for this. Because he knows that there is no way he can forget his best friend, not when he asks for a night in his arms when he wants to forget someone else. Someone who once had his heart but tore it apart. Someone who is not him and never will be.

***

Almost a year has passed since that night, the following morning being like any other, one that both of them know well. One where Junmyeon thanks the company and leaves the department of the male who is more confused than ever, with his heart in his hand that never ends up being offered, not even visualized on the other part. A useless heart. For what good is a heart if the person to whom it belongs completely ignores its existence?

“I can go stand in line —”

“No, I'm going.”

No one has time to stop Sehun who has quickly stood up from his chair and walked a couple of steps to start lining up for the ice cream. But he stops halfway through and returns with a tiny smile on his lips.

“ _Hyung_ , what flavor do you want it?”

“Uh, I crave strawberry.” Minseok pronounces quickly, interrupting Junmyeon who had also opened his mouth to speak.

But it is too late, Sehun has left again.

“He didn't even allow me to tell him what flavor I wanted.”

“Was that really necessary?”

Junmyeon is silent for a moment. Was that necessary? When has he had to tell Sehun what he wants or doesn't want? Because this time it may be just ice cream, but it is still important. Because he realizes that he doesn't have to say anything to him, he already knows absolutely everything. And then he realizes that it is not necessarily because he has verbalized it on other occasions, but because he knows it well enough

“Earth calling Junmyeon?” Minseok tries to get his attention by placing his hand in front of his face, moving his fingers as if he was greeting him.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry.”

“Who were you thinking of?”

“Who?”

Minseok only needs to glance at the tall boy who is standing in line to give him a signal, Junmyeon shooting him a murderous look.

“Oh please. You’ve been with him for eight, nine years now. Isn't that exhausting to you?”

“What do you mean?”

“To pretend. Pretending that nothing happens when you spend a day with Sehunnie, when you go out or when you spend a night with him because someone broke your heart.” Pause. “You know I'm not telling you to hurt you, right?”

“Yes…”

“It takes a long time to try to love someone you don't want, Jun. Even more when the person you love is there for you, always. You should give it a try.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“We've already talked about that, Minseok. I can't lose Sehunnie.”

“You won't, believe me. But he is not going to make the first move, not when he thinks that he’s there only when something bad happens. You have to let him know. Because people get bored, you know? And Sehunnie loves you more than anyone else in the world, but there are also others who love him. You are not the only one, how could you be? You have to hurry up.”

“But how I —”

His words are again in the air when Sehun approaches the table and the confusion is tattooed on his features when he realizes that Minseok begins to get up from the table and put on his jacket.

“You are leaving now?” The taller one asks confused, putting his ice cream cone closer to him.

“Yes, I'm sorry. Something important came up and I have to go on a last minute errand. But thanks a lot for the ice cream, Sehunnie. I'm eating it on the way, okay?” Pause “And you —” He frowns slightly, pointing at Junmyeon with a soft smile on his lips. “Take care of him, he's our favorite.”

Minseok says that and leaves the ice cream parlor, leaving Junmyeon gaping and Sehun completely confused. After some seconds, he takes a seat in front of the older one.

“I got your favorite, I thought it would be fine if —”

“It is, thank you.” Junmyeon answers him in a gentle tone, but is quickly distracted and frowning, he takes the courage to ask the following. “What are you doing tonight?”

“Uh, nothing really interesting. I was planning to watch a movie or order something to eat. I also thought about making a recipe that I saw on the internet and —”

“Okay, let's do that.”

“What?”

“Let's do that, we can cook something together.”

“Okay, I guess it would be fine.” Sehun doesn't notice that, but Junmyeon sees a certain hesitant tone in his voice. He doesn't blame him at all, it's not like he takes the lead in this kind of situations. “I can text the boys in case they are free tonight and —”

“No, no, I just want to be with you.” As he utters those words, he can't help but squeeze his eyes shut, feeling his cheeks burn with embarrassment. He doesn't realize it, but his hands begin to move restlessly, his fingers squeezing each other.

He only opens his eyes when he feels pressure from his hands that is not exerted by him. And moments later he watches as Sehun is at his side and with his hands on his own, his fingers gently caressing his knuckles with a shy little smile on his lips.

“Don't hurt yourself anymore, Jun. I don't like it when you do.” He comments sincerely, seeking his gaze. “And it's okay, I won't tell the boys. I'll just be with you, okay?”

“Really?”

“Yes, Junnie. Really.”

At this point, Junmyeon does nothing but smile, feeling his heart pound inside his chest. Minseok may be right. Maybe he finally has a chance. A chance that could actually work, the kind of opportunity that is lasting, perhaps eternal.


End file.
